You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
accurate