i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It