If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
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90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
drew a comic about my origin story
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
hmm conte-me mais
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed