person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me if I was a dog
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?