I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
But is it really??
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago