[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones