All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything