never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
You Might Also Like
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.