Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
this came to me in a vision
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out