[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
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When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
🔦🌙👣
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy