If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”