The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
You Might Also Like
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool