happy valentine’s day to me
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Bro what is this
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.