My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
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What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me trying to reach for my goals
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks