When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.