> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
They did not miss in the small print
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.