I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
emergency phone
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Comparing yourself to others
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.