If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
You Might Also Like
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it