Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.