Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
live long and prosper!
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.