My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Yup.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.