I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Meat Cute
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit