It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky