On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
dictator is short for richard potato
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants