Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.