I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You Might Also Like
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
quarantine day 3
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.