Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can