guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You Might Also Like
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
This headline is a thing of beauty
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Netflix and awkward silence?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence