HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me