i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.