boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone