Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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dogs can find happiness so easily
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon