There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
we’re dead?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Social Media and Real life
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”