(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
You Might Also Like
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT