*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.