I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.