My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Every damn time
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories