Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks