7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
You Might Also Like
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Brother?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*