I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.