Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I see your IQ test came back negative
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me