put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Growing up was a huge mistake
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.