PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
You got this…
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.