The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica