netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!