Time is precious, waste it wisely.
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
getting corrected
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.