Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often