I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
i- i did not expect this
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.