We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on