Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The answer is funnier than the question
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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